Have you ever had a moment with God where you just simply... understand... feel... somewhere deep... that a life close to him is the only one worth having?

I was reading a scripture today and it hit me once again- that this is the deepest desire of my heart... being in relationship with him. 
I realized for a moment how trivial and vain and inadequate all my human attempts at fulfillment are... and that his love, his way, are the only things that will satisfy my deepest longings... for love.acceptance.freedom.provision.security.joy.healing...
 It was a moment where all my fears disappeared, and fear of God and awe at his mightiness filled me.  All I could do was praise him.

It was a small moment that gave me confidence and hope right where I needed it.

*blink blink*

well hello. it has been a while hasn't it?

do you ever say a sentence or phrase so fast that it just comes out as an short, unintelligible, high-pitched noise? 
yeah, thats embarrassing. 
i do that a LOT at work.  "have a nice day"  becomes "ehhhvvaNEESDEE!"  aaaaand then of course i begin to laugh at myself, adding to the already piping hot bowl of crazy...

If you haven't heard, the reality show "Survivor" is dividing up the competing teams along ethnic lines this season. Here's an article from Yahoo.  And another from ABC news.  One from CNN.

My first reaction to this was utter shock.  I've calmed down a bit and I'm beginning to collect my thoughts.  Here are some of them:

1.) These groups of people will be seen as representatives of their entire race.  Not only is this unfair and wrong, our racist society will eat up any stereotypical actions and use it to justify their opinions about each race. White americans in particular will see what they want to see about other races.

2.) I don't care what any of the producers/creators say... the way to fight racism is not to divide people up into our socially created racial categories and then watch them battle for "survival" on some ridiculous TV show.  

3.)  Because the show is framed as a competition, value judgements of "better" and "worse" are unavoidable.  In this case, there will be talk about which races are better, stronger, smarter, etc... which will reinforce old stereotypes, create new ones, and could potentially severely hurt race relations.

4.)  I don't think America is stupid, but TV has a profound impact on our perceptions of reality.  I think that some of the most damaging effects of the show will not be obvious.  It will influence our attitudes and increase an "us v. them" mentality in regards to other racial groups.

This one quote confirmed my fears about the show:

"Executive producer Mark Burnett told entertainment newspaper Variety the aim was to show that race does not have to be an issue in daily life. 'Maybe that taboo could disappear through this,' he was quoted as saying."  (qtd. in linked article above)

Friends, race IS an issue in daily life.  We live and operate by categorizing things and people in groups.  We all have specific generalizations about racial groups.  For example, think about a time you met someone whose racial identity wasn't immediately apparent to you.
On some level, you didn't know how to interact with that person.  When you found out what race they were, did you feel a small sense of relief or clarity?  You felt that way because you then knew with category they belonged to.  We all do this.  Race affects how we view and interact with each other.

And not only does race matter in personal interactions, it has played a role on a societal scale throughout the formation of our country.  We are a nation built on inequality and racial oppression.  It is simply wrong to say that race does not affect the way we do things today.

Race is not an "issue" to be ignored vs. worried over.  It is a reality that matters, and will continue to matter, whether or not we recognize that it exists.

My life is very bipolar.  Either nothing is happening, or everything is happening-- either i'm super busy, or have absolutely nothing to to do-- either everything is fabulous or all of the poo has hit the fan. 

For example... this summer i have been lounging around with no responsibilities (except workin @ Caribou), watching far too much TV and reading Harry Potter during commercials.  Then, all of a sudden in the past two days i've worked 16 hours, had a meeting to plan an event for my church, began all of my IV staff responsibilities, and had an interview for a second job.

*shrug*  i much prefer the crazy busyness over the dull nothingness.

it's a good feeling. it's also a scary, confusing, and frustrating feeling.

i feel lost. and directionless.  like time is moving forward but i'm standing still.
i know i'm not the first college grad to feel this way.  it's kind of a sucky place to be in.
but this is where God has me in right now... and so i won't fight it.

faith.  gotta have it.